A Lost Life


A Day Lost, A Life Lost, the moment broke everything within me. All the ways and means of attainment known and unknown seemed to lead me to a state of realizing that it is futile. Futile to walk the way, for it was not going anywhere, just being there was a sense of losing out the very life. A life, a thought, a message all lost in a given moment for there was nothing to make me go, it was over a day when everything just crashed down upon me making me realize the weight of the ways I had been carrying. It was completely overwhelming, the weight was crushing the life from me, it was suffocating, I could not move an iota. Nothing within changed, the helplessness it had led me to made me realize, the only thing is drop all that is being carried.

The more I dropped I was feeling calmer and peaceful but the helplessness remained and it grew with each passing day.  All the questions that had emerged within me and the answers that moved with it slowly were getting released rather were dropped.  Questions had given me hopes, answers made sure I was on right path, but then both failed me now, for I was losing the very thing that held me as one.

Every day was a new day and every moment a new one for it gave deeper meaning of calmness, tranquility within me, allowing the centering to happen but I was getting more and more helpless and hopeless. Helpless since it was emptying me and hopeless since no new hope were seen before me for a way to move ahead. I used to sit and meditate but then during those period it too never happened, for I just sat, but nothing else happened, not difference, nothing. Everything was becoming a way of nothingness.

A new experience was being born but this experience of experiencing-nothing was absolute and total. All the rights and wrongs vanished, all the hopes vanished, all the core concepts vanished, all values vanished, all states of thoughtlessness vanished. It was a moment of vanishing, nothing but vanishing of each and everything I could relate, know, understand. There were bouts of pure anger,  pure ecstasy, pure energy, pure lethargy. If this was not enough I had work and home to attend to. Every force that hit was like being hit a turbulence, but nothing remained for long, something was overflowing in me, over-flooding me. Many times the body used to take a jolt and have blackouts but nothing killed me, for it was something I felt was needed yet so unneeded.

I just wanted some place for me, even getting a space never made me feel at ease, for it was a state of selfless self, wherein the heart and mind had stopped holding me one place it flowed in all directions, making the body more and body confused. It was a state where I knew I cannot depend upon myself, I cannot relate and I cannot unrelate too.  Every moment I was falling deep within a abyss and also rising high but where to, I never knew for nothing I could relate or look for.  It was many times I felt I was sucked out of life and many times I was full of life, but the sense of fear or need for protection was not there.

The period was a moment of change, a moment of complete transformation, everything was changing and as days passed I realized that it was like a explosion, completely taking me every single moment of the day.  The intense light, energy surge and a sense of delight for no rhyme or reason filled me completely, sometimes the intensity was so strong that it nearly blinded me. I was going mad, there was huge pressure on my head, I was being squeezed from all sides, it was like a compression nearly killing me every single moment. Nothing made sense to me, all the learning became dead for me, every single moment it became more and more difficult for me to use words, explain things, languages became vague signs of remembrance. I was there yet not there, the force was too alive, too powerful expanding and contracting at the same time. All veils and all senses were going berserk, beyond control and many a times the distinctions and nature of them becoming hazy and lost to me.

The body wanted to sleep but work and home both fronts were taking a toll on me and in both places it became impossible to remain awake. Eyes kept on closing, body was feeling tired, broken and paining and it nearly felt like the body was going to die. I loved the whole way of becoming part of death, but the body I knew was not there. It was quite different, so far away, I could see it and I knew I was sensing it too. Slowly my body was dying, as it died the sleepiness increased, I went to sleep. It was quite deep, where or when I don’t remember, for it was weird, it was different for it was not in the same dimension I knew. A dimension quite different for it was endlessly expanding layer by layer yet it was quite  different. The body I saw moving between life and death and then meeting it slowly yet the light of spark was there within the realm of body for it moved within the infinite layers of dimensional emerging, connecting, merging, and reemerging. No words can describe the path or the moment for it was quite unknown to me yet I could see something that I could relate to remotely.

I remember something pushed me to wake-up from the deep sleep. The whole body was unknown to me yet I knew I was held inside it. I stood up, legs were shaking uncontrollably yet they held on above the vast expanse of night was holding a beautiful sight. Everything around me was luminous except the endless abyss under me and the veil of night sky above me. Stranger sight for never seen anything like that and I could feel the shaking was intense at the body level for it was nearing a level of tearing itself apart as if possessed by a force much beyond it can handle. Then everything became still for few moment and I saw the abyss beneath me taking the form of the sky above me and a sense of weightlessness was holding me in place surrounded by the intense bright light. Every single iota of the light was alive, filled with many bright lit species known to me and many many more unknown to me.

I kept walking and I knew it was different walking for the ground was not there and there was no force on me.  I don’t remember how much time I walked or where I walked.  I was getting pulled in one direction and I kept walking in the same direction allowing the Divine Universe guiding me.  After sometime the space below me curved like a palm allowing me to sit and not move forward. I sat and remained there for the body was still shaking and the whole of the energy filled light still shining very bright. As time passed I found the energy around me calming down, the brightness of the light also dimmed and I found myself on a ground and back against a tree. The sky was becoming darker, awaiting for the dawn. The tree I was sitting underneath was beautiful Semal tree, full of blossoming red silk cotton flowers.

There were lot of trees around me and I could not understand where I was, but I was away and lost for more than twelve hours. Something told me I know the way out of this place, yes after walking few hundred steps I was on a kacha road and my two wheeler was there. Never till date could I understand how the vehicle and I had reached there. I checked with a local villager on my way back and I found that it was Pathreri village.

A journey that began on that day has continued allowing me to gain deeper aspect of knowing the truth in deeper and relevant manner.

~ Maitreya Rudrabhayananda

Published by Maitreya

Walking the path of self is a condition but being on the path of selflessness brings one about to the pathless way. Come on the way of knowing the way and in the process bring about a change within to get liberated.

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